Ever-Present
by BadgebunnyUK
Summary: Two years after Kate's death her ghost returns to help Caroline move on. As you can imagine, much much angst included.
1. Chapter 1

Ever Present.

"She's nice."

Caroline wasn't surprised by the new voice. The truth was that it was ever present, just that occasionally it would take on a clearer quality. A form.

"Is she?" She asked nonchalantly, trying not to swivel around and stare at what she felt behind her, for fear that if she did she would send her away.

"Very." Kate nodded quietly, seeming to take a breath before she added. "She likes you."

Caroline let her eyes find the darker ones in the rearview mirror and shook her head. "I doubt it."

A tiny smile. "She does, I can tell."

"She likes Flora." Caroline stated.

Kate smiled patiently. "Everyone likes Flora! She's entirely too adorable. "

"True." Caroline agreed. "She's been singing a new song, Incy wincy spider..." A real smile now, delight.

"Except she pronounces it Pider." Kate finished.

"Yes." Caroline agreed. "She's growing so quickly."

"That's good, you'll be able to enjoy her more when she's 15." Kate teased.

"You are kidding? She'll make Lawrence look amenable"

"She takes after you." Kate reminded.

"She looks like you." Caroline stated. " More every day. Even her expressions, things she never got to see you do, I don't understand it." Caroline confessed.

"Are you going to call her?" Kate asked next.

"Kate she's very advanced for her age but she hasn't quite mastered the art of answering the phone yet." Caroline quipped.

"Her, the ... Rose. She gave you her number." Kate reminded.

"Did she?" Caroline shrugged. "Oh yeah, not sure where I put it..."

"I think you should. I think you should ring her." Kate said, her mouth a firm line.

"Perhaps..." Non commital. "I don't have time. I have Flora."

Kate shook her head. "Don't use her as an excuse. You're busy, so make time, for a drink, a chat."

A shrug. "Yeah. I probably will."

"Please." Kate requested quietly. "I want you too..."

"I'll see what I can do." Another thought. "If I need more persuading will you stick around?" She checked.

Kate smiled sadly, but no words. Caroline had turned her attention to the road as she approached a set of lights and as she stopped she quickly turned to search the empty spot where Kate had appeared. She reached out a hand to touch the dark fabric of the back seat as if it may still retain some of Kate's heat, as if it would be proof, proof of something. It was cold. She made a fist and slammed it down against the seat. She shook her head at the dramatics, tutting to herself as the car behind her gave her an impatient beep.

Xxx

"I knew this was a bad idea." Caroline grumbled, selecting another blouse from the rail.

"It'll be fine." Kate assured calmly from the bed.

"I can't go on a date, I haven't dated for years, I don't think I ever really did , we never went on dates...not until we got together." She went on.

"Caroline we went on tons of dates." Kate grinned. "You just didn't realise that that's was what they were." she chuckled a little at the recollection and beamed into Flora's face, placing her own close as if they shared a joke.

Caroline stopped as she examined her own memory. "Well that was different." She finally dismissed flicking her hair out over the collar of the blouse she had just put on.

Kate didn't argue, she continued to watch Flora as the toddler turned the pages of the Peter Rabbit book and pretended to be reading the story aloud.

"You wouldn't mind then? It wouldn't bother you?" Caroline asked the vision of Kate.

"What? You going on a date?" Kate asked. Turning her attention away from their daughter and moving towards where Caroline stood. Caroline saw her approach, slowly in the mirror, becoming clearer as she got close, coming into focus.

Caroline felt the prickle of her presence, a heat that she imagined came from Kate but which must have been all her, she let her eyes close and could faintly feel Kate's touch, fingers, a hand, on her waist.

"If I could take you on a date Caroline..." She heard, close to her ear, a whisper.

"Where would we go?" Caroline asked, her eyes fastened shut.

"Anywhere." Kate said huskily. "Wouldn't matter."

"We could just stay here?" Caroline said sweetly.

"Caroline!" Kate warned. "You are going! You want me to be jealous? I am. But I can't wish you to be alone. It isn't fair." Kate took two steps back and blurred until Caroline blinked and she was gone.

Caroline picked her hand bag up from the foot of the bed and held a hand out to Flora.

"Don't ever let anyone tell you that I was the bossy one when it came to me and your Mother Flora, it's not the case at all. Come on!" Caroline encouraged as she watched Flora slide down the height of the bed and land with a thump on her two feet. "Let's go and find Granny and Grandad. Looks like I'm going on a bluming date."

"Date!" Flora shouted. "Date, date, date!"

Xxx

Two weeks earlier...

_"Hi, I heard you might be interested?" _

_"What?!" Caroline nearly swallowed her own tounge._

_"The single mothers group." The brunette expanded, glancing down at the colourful leaflet she held out to the blonde. _

_"Oh,No. I'm not...not really a single mum, I'm a widow." Caroline explained. _

_The woman smiled patiently. "We don't discriminate. " She said teasingly. "We all have different stories, most of us haven't chosen to be on our own." _

_Caroline looked briefly curious as if she may ask what this woman's story was, but as she remembered her manners and the fact that they had never spoken until now, she remained silent. _

_"I did choose it." The woman went on, sensing the interest. " Sorry, I am Rose and that handsome little fella in the home corner is my son Simon." She pointed to a curly haired boy, a little smaller than Flora who was currently hurling plastic crockery into a pretend washing machine. _

_Caroline had noticed the pair once or twice before at the session. Rose seemed to chat happily to a lot of the other mothers, where Caroline would normally hide behind Flora in order to avoid too much socialising, they were here for Flora to begin mixing with her peers not for Caroline to make mummy friends. _

_"I'm sorry I haven't tried to recruit you in the past. I just assumed that Greg was your..." _

_"God no!" Caroline cut in. "He is Flora's Father, He has been helping out. It was never the plan... " Caroline trailed off, fearing an overshare. "I work so he sometimes brings Flora along, although I try to make it, at least once a week." Caroline hated this part. Having to try and explain the set up of her family without directly spelling it all out. _

_Rose nodded. "I've seen you." _

_"My wife had Flora, before she died." Caroline said finally, fully expecting a sympathetic look, a nod and then for the woman to suddenly find that her son desperately needed assistance, just at that exact moment. _

_The moment she would need a convenient escape. She wouldn't blame her, she didn't blame all the other women that reacted that way. She would have done the same herself before she found this happening to her. Death scares people off, probably even more than the gay. _

_"I'm Sorry." Rose offered. "That's...I can't imagine what that must be like...I'm so sorry." Rose seemed genuinely so._

_"Thank you." Caroline accepted the sentiment as she had done so many times before, as a matter of course. _

Xxx

"Flora's amazing, so independent and she's so pretty!" Rose gushed as they walked home from the local eatery that Caroline had suggested when she had phoned Rose.

"Yes." Caroline agreed, hearing the sadness in her tone and trying to drag the heavy corners of her mouth into a convincing smile.

"What?" Rose asked automatically. "Oh, you were thinking about her, Flora's birth mother. Sorry." Rose frowned as she apologised. "I mean, of course you were."

"She looks more like her every day." Caroline shrugged, her hands deep in her pockets. "Still it's better than looking like Greg I guess."

"How long ago?" Rose asks, not necessary to expand.

"Two years and four months." Caroline replied. "The day Flora was born."More steps, one foot, then the next, and on... "When people ask her age, I always think, that's how long it's been, how can it have been so long..."

"Was it? Complications..."Rose guessed.

"No! No. Road traffic accident." Caroline avoided the ugly details for now.

Rose shook her head. "Must have been...Such a shock..." She commented.

Caroline stopped and sighed, looking back for a moment, deciding whether or not to go on, nudging the ground with the edge of her boot.

"When I got home, from the hospital that night. Everything was as it was when she left the house. The tea cups we had used that morning, left to dry on the draining board where Kate had washed them up. Her glasses on the bedside table. Her pajamas under the pillow. Signs of her everywhere. Evidence...of her life. She couldn't be... If I hadn't had Flora..." Caroline set herself into motion again without finishing.

A silence. Rose seemed to be thinking. Considering.

"Sorry." Caroline said suddenly. "Not really a good topic of conversation for a da..." She managed to stop herself, they hadn't formally said what this was. It could just be a friend thing. Although she got the idea that Rose liked her, was attracted, she couldn't point exactly to what it was, but she felt it.

"I have heard better chat up lines." Rose shrugged. "but we can talk about anything you like. I don't mind. It must be strange? Being on a date?...unless...you've been on...others...many? Why shouldn't you?"

"It's the first one." Caroline confirmed. "Since." She offered. "So, no pressure." She teased lightly.

Rose looked suitably intimidated and was unusually silent.

"So, how about you and Simon?" Caroline ventured. "You implied he wasn't an accident, that you planned to have him on your own."

"Yes. My partner, she never wanted children, just wasn't part of the plan, she told me that from the start. I was okay with it. Until I wasn't. " Rose shrugged as they strolled.

Caroline was interested. "So she just left?"

"It's a deal breaker I suppose. We wanted different things." Rose explained lightly, however Caroline sensed the sadness behind the empty phrases.

"How long had the two of you been together?" Caroline asked.

"A while." Rose nodded. "Twelve years."

Caroline was shocked. To think that they had been together for so long and something as wonderful as wanting a child, wanting to be a family, had split them apart. "Do you keep in touch?"

Caroline had children with John so they were never completely out of each others lives. In one way she found that beyond irritating and yet in another it seemed right. To have someone who you shared that much of your life with just never speak to you again would be strange, knowing they were somewhere carrying on.

Rose suddenly looked a little uncomfortable and Caroline was unsure if the tremble she noticed was caused by the cool breeze that washed over them or in response to the line of questioning.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry..." Caroline began. She had wanted to come across interested, find out more about this woman. She had been remebering when she was starting out with Kate. She'd done everything wrong then.

"There are a million and one things you don't know about me, Caroline. Because you never ask."Kate's words, true and painful, both at the time and now. She'd thought a thousand times since Kate's death, if only. If only she had known, if only she had even considered the possibilty that they may not have long together, would she have taken the chance that little bit sooner? Held on just a little more tightly? All those stupid things she let get in their way.

"That's Okay." Rose came back to Caroline's attention."We don't, really, keep in touch. Anna and I. She was angry with me, for changing my mind, for choosing a baby instead of her, of us. I can understand, that it must have felt that way."

They had reached Caroline's drive way. "Do you want to come in? Coffee?" Caroline asked.

"It's late I should probably get back, my mum has to drive back to Leeds..." Rose explained.

"Sure." Caroline nodded in understanding. "I'm lucky to have Mum next door, well most of the time."

"I...I'd like to do it again though, sometime, soon. If you fancy..?" Rose asked casually, taking the car keys from her jacket pocket.

"Yeah, that'd be nice." Caroline agreed, meaning it for that moment. Meaning it until she got inside the house, took off her shoes, sent her Mother and Alan back around to their place and then slipped into her own bedroom.

She lay in bed, wide awake even after two glasses of wine. She felt the covers rise and a shot of cold air before she felt a familiar weight settle in the bed.

"I might've known you'd be here." She pretended to be put out.

"It wasn't all that bad." Kate argued.

"It was fine. She was nice." Caroline didn't want to argue.

"It'll be easier next time." She offered.

Caroline humphed and felt Kate's form lean over her slightly to watch her face. "I don't want to go out with her again!" She protested. "I tried it. It's not for me. I'm fine as I am."

"Caroline..." Kate began, about to launch another lecture..

"Kate!" Caroline said firmly. "I only want you."

The Kate ghost relented and curled into Caroline's back as the blonde finally found sleep.

Xxx

A/N- Not sure if I am emotionally ready to write this one, but it just won't go away. With that in mind, it won't be too long. For those reading my other fic, I'm still working on update, won't be long. X


	2. Chapter 2

Ever-present

A/N- Hey guys. So my wife is away filming a lot at the moment and I'm home with the kids and have just been too knackered to write anything but I gave it a go this weekend. Thanks to all for being patient x

Chapter two

She was a grown woman hiding in a wigwam. This is what her cowardice had led to. The worst of it being that Flora, no longer distracted by the dressing up clothes or the selection of wooden toys that Caroline was frantically waving at her, had decided to make a break for it.

"Shit!" Caroline breathed as she ducked her head out of the opening, following after her daughter, before realising she was still wearing a bright feathery head dress and of course, looking out into the face of the woman she had been trying desperately to avoid.

"Well if it isn't Caroline McKenzie-Dawson!" Rose's smile sparkled. "Nice feathers! I should have brought my hard hat we could have tried our hand at a playgroup version of YMCA."

Caroline struggled to get up and out of the play tent with the little dignity she had remaining, tugging her pencil skirt down at the sides. She had to go from here to work, so was dressed completely inappropriately. Finally standing, she tugged the feathered headband from her hair and fixed an efficient smile as Rose looked on. She had known this awkwardness was coming, she would just have to get it over with.

"Hello Rose. How are you?" She asked briskly.

"I'm good, good!" Rose had folded her arms across her chest but smiled on. "I wondered if I'd see you today, Greg was here last week so..."

"Yes, it's been busy at work, exams coming up, teachers are getting more nervous than the kids..." Caroline breezed with a shrug.

"Well it's nice that you could make it today." Rose concluded, glancing at Caroline's outfit, which felt suddenly a little restrictive.

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't call ... " Caroline began quietly, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear and looking guiltily at the toes of her shoes.

"You've been busy, it's okay." Rose shrugged the apology away.

"I have, I have ..." Caroline agreed quickly. "But it wasn't just that ... "

"Caroline, you don't have to explain." The shrug again. "You'll call when you're ready and if not, well I'd like it if we could be friends?"

Caroline smiled at the slightly shorter woman and nodded. "I can do friends." She decided.

Xxx

She used to think about it throughout the day. What would be different. What if. What if she had insisted on taking William to the station that day, if she'd have said "sod it" get a cab, I want my new wife to myself.

"We can't go over this again Caroline, it happened." Kate had warned her many times since then.

"But, it shouldn't, it shouldn't ever have happened! There has to be some way...some mistake. It can't be right."

So she was left wondering. Every night, every time she returned with Flora to an empty house, no lights, no heat, no smell of dinner or sounds of the music Kate filled the house with. She imagined, every time she saw a couple with a baby.

"What do you think we would be doing now, if you were really here?" Caroline asked as she felt the slight pressure added to the sofa.

"Probably just this, watching TV. " Kate replied with a sigh of quiet longing, her elbow supporting her on the arm of the sofa.

"Maybe we'd be planning a trip somewhere, something for your birthday..." Caroline suggested.

"Maybe we'd be arguing about the way you spoil our daughter and let her do whatever she likes ..."

"Maybe if she hadn't been orphaned I wouldn't spoil her ..." Caroline snapped now, she hated any criticism of the way she handled Flora, a fact that even her Mother had come to understand very quickly.

"You see? We know how to push each other's buttons. We'd have argued, I would have annoyed you, even hurt you sometimes and you me. You can't keep going around with this idea in your head that everything would have been perfect. No one's ever going to live up to that... " Kate gently coaxed.

"But it was perfect ..."

"For a few months ... it was ..." Kate agreed sadly.

"Maybe that's all the perfect that one person is allowed." Caroline mused. "And Flora, she is my perfect now, that's enough." Caroline concluded, letting her eyes fall closed for a moment, then opening them quickly enough that she wouldn't lose that fragile grasp on the image of Kate.

"What about when she grows up and leaves you?" Kate asked bluntly.

Caroline frowned. "She isn't yet 3. I'll think about that nearer the time."

Xxx

"Stop it!"

"What?" Caroline asked as she reapplied her lipstick under the harsh strip lighting of the restaurant loo.

"Comparing. It's not fair." Kate stated.

"I know, but she's so..."

"What? "

"So ... so ... gay!" Caroline announced to the otherwise empty bathroom.

"Caroline! I seem to recall several moments, sessions and life choices which led me and many people to believe that you would also qualify such a description." Kate chuckled.

"Oh no, She is in a different league of gay to me, or you! She came out when she was a kid, her parents didn't speak to her for twelve years, she spent most of her twenties in some women's commune! She says she made a new family for herself in the _lesbian_ community! What the hell does that mean?" Caroline ranted.

"So, she has a different experience to yours ..."

"Are you joking? I'm beginning to think the only thing we have in common is the playgroup we use!" Caroline shook her head repeatedly. "I knew this was a mistake."

"Caroline, give her a chance ..."

"Do you think she would have put up with the stuff you did?" Caroline shot.

"Well, she won't have to, it'll be different this time, easier..." Kate said, almost a warning.

"My mother will hate her, especially if she's all ... wahay were gay!" Caroline argued, waving a jazz hand.

"Rose can handle Celia. And your mum really does want you to be happy."

"This is all your fault ." Caroline accused. "You couldn't just leave me dead inside ..."

"You were never dead inside. You can do this." Kate told her. "I love you."

"Shit." Caroline dabbed at her face with the corner of a tissue. "Now my bloody mascara's going to run."

Xxx

"I've ordered a taxi, do you want dropping off?" Caroline asked as the waiter collected the tray of cash. They had split the bill down the middle.

"No thanks." Rose smiled. "It's the other direction, and anyway, it's such a nice evening, I'm going to walk." She stood and slipped into her jacket.

"Are you sure?" Caroline checked, a note of concern.

Rose nodded, flipping her hair over the collar of her coat. "It's fine, it's all main road from here."

They made their way out through the narrow space between tables, Caroline close enough behind Rose to smell the scent she wore.

"Well, thank you for a lovely evening." Caroline spoke as she scanned the road for her cab. She heard a sigh and turned to see Rose shaking her head. "What?"

"You never look at me." Rose pointed out. "You never make eye contact, not really. I can't work it out. Are you scared of what you'll see? Or is it that you just don't trust me?"

"That's ridiculous." Caroline protested weakly.

"You're not the only one who isn't ready yet Caroline, plus we have the kids to consider, I'm not about to push anything, I just want to spend some time with you, get to know you. Okay?" Rose had stuck a hand out as if offering a deal.

Caroline felt a little silly shaking it, but also relieved there was no more intimate embrace. "Okay."

Caroline wondered if Rose was aware that her approach would make Caroline that bit more interested, would have her considering exactly what she would have to do to get this woman to the point of pouncing on her. Probably, she wasn't stupid.

A taxi pulled up to the curb at just that moment.

"Goodnight Caroline!" Rose waved.

Xxx

"Do you think you'd know, if you were going mad?" Caroline asked, seeming to be scanning the bright Yorkshire landscape on this rare sunny afternoon.

Gillian had been waiting for it. They had been close over the years, on and off, a little off after Gillian had married Robbie, but since he had moved out they'd seen a little more of each other and yet, turning up unannounced, without explanation and spending most of the day saying very little, Gillian knew that something was bothering her friend.

"Yeah, you would. I remember it like it were yesterday." Gillian said taking a swig from her cold bottle of beer.

One edge of Caroline's mouth twitched and her cool blue eyes smiled for the first time that day. "Do you think by the time you realised you'd be able to do anything about it?"

"What the hell are you on about Caroline?" Gillian burst, her patience typically non existent.

"You remember I told you, after Kate ... that I saw her for a while afterwards, a few months."

"Her ghost..." Gillian recalled.

"No, not a ghost, not really. It was more real. Like she was there, like you're here now."

"Int that what a ghost is?" Gillian asked,screwing up her face in consternation.

"I don't know. I thought maybe it was a hallucination. But that's mad. Isn't it?"

Gillian shrugged, her bottom lip bulging out as she considered.

"Only, it's happened again. Recently. I've seen her. I am seeing her. A lot." Caroline confessed, her eyes darting to Gillian's face, checking it.

Gillian sighed deeply. "Really? A ghost?" Gillian wouldn't have pegged her friend for the type, however she was all too familiar with the fact that Caroline would constantly challenge her preconceived ideas. "What's set it off?" She wanted to know.

Caroline shifted uncomfortably on the hard wall. "I ... Someone asked me out..." She hurried.

Gillian's face transformed dramatically, her mouth a wide curve. "A woman?" She asked.

"Yes." Caroline told her with a scowl.

"A lesbian woman!?" Gillian grinned, leaning back on the wall and looking Caroline over again, searching for more signs, an extra bit of colour in her face, a lightness in her eyes. "Who is she?"

"She's just a friend." Caroline dismissed. "We went out once, well twice now but just as friends the second time..."

"Where did you go?" Gillian demanded.

Caroline frowned. "For something to eat ..."

"Somewhere nice?"

"Yes, a little bistro ..."

"Right, well the last time we went for something to eat it was the cafe in John Lewis and you'd just bought a chopping board. That's the kind of thing you do with a friend ... You're dating her!" Gillian ignored Caroline's look of alarm. "What's her name?"

"Rose ..."

"Awww, what's she like? is she pretty?" Gillian had slipped into teenage gossip mode.

"I suppose, she's good looking ..." Caroline admitted.

"Don't worry, about seeing Kate, it's obviously just feeling guilty, but she'd want you to be happy, wouldn't she? It's been two years ... nearly three! "

"It doesn't feel ... long ... long enough ..." The blonde tried to explain around the blockage in her throat.

"You weren't even hardly together as long as that!" Gillian burst, regretting it as she saw the look of pain and sudden mistrust on Caroline's face.

"Sorry. I didn't mean ... I just think perhaps that you should give this woman a chance, it'll get easier, the ghost ... the visions you're having ... they will go away." Gillian assured.

"I think that's exactly what I'm afraid of." Caroline confessed.

Gillian stared at her friend, her whole body had bore the impact of her loss, of the pain, she looked about ten years older today than when they met. The farmer wanted to reach out to her, to show her she wasn't alone, yet she felt her own emotions taking hold of her and knew that if she did she would cry. She settled for reaching a hand out and squeezing Caroline's shoulder without a word.

" ... No! Mine!" Carried loudly from the little hay bail circle that the two youngsters were playing inside.

" ... I said Give it!" Was next.

"Calamity! I hope you girls are playing nicely." Gillian called.

"She wants everything!" Calamity shouted angrily, popping her head over the bail nearest her grandmother.

Gillian stood an looked to where the girls were playing. Sure enough Flora was sitting with almost all of the toys that Gillian had put out for them piled high in a little pyramid behind her, glaring at Emily Jane and now at Gillian.

"Well, she is younger than you, she isn't as good at sharing yet, you have to ask her nicely." Gillian felt Caroline rise and join her.

Calamity stomped back to the smaller child and glanced at her grandma before sinking to the ground and saying in a sweet voice. "Flora, please may I have the Elsa doll?" She put her palm out flat and waited, looking again to her grandmother to check that the transaction was still being observed.

"No!" Flora said, shaking her head and smacking Calamity's hand away as she tucked the blonde doll further under her bottom.

Calamity looked to Gillian who looked to Caroline.

"Sweetheart." Caroline began as she walked over to Flora. "Let Emily-Jane have a turn of the dolly now, look, you have all these nice things to play with."

Flora picked up several of the indicated items and hurled them one after the other at Calamity, just missing her each time. Calamity's mouth opened wide and she stared at Gillian, her face red with outrage.

"Flora. That wasn't very nice, if you can't play nicely we will have to go home." Caroline reasoned softly.

Where was her bloody teacher voice now? Gillian wondered. She shook her head and decided to step in.

"Come on girls, ice cream and jelly, inside!" Gillian set off for the farm house, Calamity clambering over a hay bail and Flora hopping up, the Frozen doll forgotten.

Xxx

The weather was miserable, Caroline had made a dash from the car but had been pelted in rain as she fumbled with her keys and then Greg had pulled the door open to reveal his cheshire cat grin. He stepped back to let her in. She shook the water from her jacket as she entered and Greg snuck back around her.

"It's been coming down like that for hours ... " He said. "The kettle's on." He called, moving ahead of her back into the kitchen.

Caroline spotted Flora on the sofa with her blanket and the Ipad on her knee.

"Hello darling!" Caroline called.

Flora looked up and beamed. "Mama!" She greeted. "Mama home!"

Then her eyes were back on the screen, no running to wrap her arms around her, not when it was Ipad hour.

"Charming." Caroline grumbled. "She's worse than Laurence on that thing. She can't write her own name but she understands that thing better than I do."

"Actually the cbeebies app is quite educational ..." Greg dropped his argument before it could begin as he recognised the warning look Caroline tossed him. "Anyway, I was hoping it would be okay for me to stay tonight. You know what the M62 is like in this weather, a bit of drizzle and people suddenly forget how to drive ... there's bound to be accidents ..."

Caroline threw her hands in the air as she went directly to the fridge and pulled out an unopened bottle of wine.

"Fine, but I don't want tea." She said just as she heard the final click of the kettle.

It had been a while now since Greg had all but lived here. Once Flora had begun crawling around and looking for more stimulation, it was agreed that Greg was getting very little work done on the days he looked after his daughter and she was getting to an age where she could afford a little interaction with her peers. Caroline had found a very good childminder through a colleague who had used her for her slightly older children and had only good things to say about her.

Greg still had Flora two days, either end of the week and then Caroline had managed to compress her hours, so that she could usually, barring emergencies and inspections, get one day off a week to be at home with her daughter. Caroline had been pleased that she didn't have to rely so heavily on Greg, not to mention the jealousy she felt when she had had to leave them together all day to work, but she found that she did miss him being around sometimes with his constant babble and his overly optimistic daily reports on Flora's progress.

"Today she picked up my pen and actually scrawled this on the paper." He had presented Caroline with a crumpled square of paper with a few light scribbles of pencil on it. "I reckon she could be into art like me ..."

But tonight she didn't want the company, and she suspected that was the real reason he wanted to stay.

"I'm going to change." She told him as she took her wine glass and left the room.

An hour and a half later she had finished her second glass and was watching Greg tuck their daughter into bed. He looked like the proverbial gentle giant beside the mini sized bed frame and Flora allowed him to drop kisses on both her cheeks before she stretched a tiny hand out of the covers and reached in Caroline's direction.

Caroline went to her side and took the hand in her own, kissing her little girls head and then her little mouth. "Goodnight my precious girl." Caroline whispered as Flora's eyes closed heavily.

They backed quietly out of the room and Caroline headed for another drink, plonking herself in front of the television and hardly looking up as Greg joined her in the dimly lit room.

Caroline listened to drumming sound of the rain on glass rather than the quiet rumble of the telly or the inane chatter that Greg offered, she felt drowsy and was relieved that the wine was doing its job, though she doubted she would sleep tonight without another bottle.

"Kate was the first person I met at Uni." Greg said suddenly more clearly, speaking to her, rather than just speaking. "We were so bloody young. I was terrified of being away from my mum. I clung onto her for dear life, she had this quiet confidence, y'know. And of course she was gorgeous! She didn't realise herself then, if ever, but she was, even with the big hair and the bad clothes. A shell suit isn't a good look on anyone is it? Never was!"

Caroline smiled slightly and nodded just enough to let him know she wanted him to go on.

"We were close through the first few weeks and then things changed a little, we both made friends with other people on our course, I got in with some comic book geeks and we'd only see each other in the halls or on a night out. Then one night she just turned up, out of the blue, she'd been crying, I asked her what had happened but she didn't want to talk."

Greg swallowed nervously and his eyes darted carefully to Caroline's stoney face, her fingers gripping hard the arms of her chair.

"The next day she was kind. She said she was sorry, not that it happened, but just that it wouldn't be happening again. She'd had a fall out with her friend and she needed someone. She'd thought of me." He shrugged. "When she got in touch with the baby idea I first thought, is she mad? and then I thought, if it was going to be anyone, it should be me, why not, I really cared ..." Greg made a noise, a sharp intake of breath. "She was my best friend and I lost her."

Caroline stared blankly at Greg, she couldn't move to comfort him. She felt like some kind of sick voyeur, mesmerised by this pain, his pain, very real and deep but much easier to face than her own.

Greg wiped a hand across his eyes but wept openly. "Sorry." He mumbled. "I wanted to stay and make sure _you_ were alright."

"I know." Caroline croaked.

"I've still got the last email she sent me, to tell me about the wedding. She said in it how grateful she was to me for the baby and how you would be one day too. She told me how much she loved you, how happy you made her and how excited she was. She finally had her true love and a baby, it was all she ever wanted. She said she would tell the baby about me, who I was and then she said goodbye. " Greg smiled and his tears had stopped flowing though his eyes still glistened.

"She said true love?" Caroline asked. She had never heard Kate use the phrase.

Greg nodded. "She did."

Caroline felt again like a creature on the edge, this time a scavenger, ashamed of her own hunger but desperate for every scrap, every morsel.

"I knew I wouldn't see her again after that, but it was okay because I could think of her finally getting her happy ending. And now, now, even though I've lost her, I've got Flora in my life, I've even got you, so you're a bit like that grumpy Care Bear but I think of you as a friend ... no, family. We're Flora's parents, that makes us family, and I wish I could tell Kate, I wish I could thank her. I wish ... that she didn't have to lose so much for me to gain it."

Caroline was uncertain as to when she had begun to cry but not she noticed now how wet her face was, her sleeves.

Greg got up from his seat and came to perch upon Caroline's.

"She'd have been 46 today. That's so, it's still so young." Greg mumbled as he wrapped an arm around Caroline.

She had noticed his flowers when she had finally gotten to the grave, she imagined him walking down there with Flora. She'd heard him many times telling Flora little things about Kate. "Your mummy loved the colour purple too, it was her favourite, so much so, that she even had a purple streak in her hair in our final year!"

Caroline felt suddenly that this man expected her to share something, he waited patiently, was he expecting her to reminisce, to share her pain, she couldn't, it was her's and her's alone. She struggled up out of her seat and fled to the bathroom. He had the sense not to follow.

Xxx


	3. Chapter 3

Ever-present 3

A/N- I just wanted to thank all for the reviews and thank Shallotpeel for her work at a very difficult time for her. If anyone would like to support Shallotpeel by donating to help with medical expenses please check out her blog or go to her crowdfunder page wt5aq4y8

Thank you xx

"Great house." Rose nodded as she followed Caroline in through the front door.

It was a lovely spring day and half term had arrived. Caroline was feeling relaxed and had agreed to meet Rose and Simon in the local park for a play date. Now as it neared lunch time and with Flora seemingly very much enjoying Simon's company, Caroline had offered up the contents of her fridge for a bite to eat.

"Thank you." She replied over her shoulder.

Rose followed her down the hall and into the kitchen, the children in front of her, Flora leading the way through to the kitchen and banging at the patio window for Caroline to open it up.

"No, its really impressive, such a great garden!" Rose commented as Caroline turned the key and slid open the door which set Flora and Simon free to race to the plastic slide that was set up a few feet away.

Caroline shrugged. "It's just a house." She replied without really thinking, watching Flora push just in front of her friend and begin to climb the few steps of the ladder.

Realising eventually that her remark may come off as slightly rude she ventured an explanation.

"I just, used to think that this house was the be all and end all." Caroline admitted. "Now, I realise, it's very nice, but it's just bricks and an impeccably put together ensemble of furniture."

Rose nodded in understanding and smiled at Caroline, who moved to the fridge and began emptying the contents.

"What will Simon have? There's ham, cheese, I have some sausage rolls, Flora loves them." Caroline explained, a slight tone of disapproval.

"He'll have whatever Flora's having, he's a great eater." Rose called, turning back to keep her eye on the kids.

Caroline took out a cucumber and began to slice it into small- person, hand sized sticks as Rose watched the children taking turns on the slide and only glanced at Caroline when she thought that it went unnoticed.

"Do you want me to do anything?" Rose offered politely.

"Could you just grab the blanket on the back of the sofa? It'll do as a picnic blanket if the kids want to eat outside. It's just in the front room." Caroline directed.

"Sure." Rose headed back down the hall way to the room she had seen only a glimpse of through a small opening on the way in.

She entered the room and found the checked blanket right where Caroline had said it would be. As she turned to leave the room her eyes were drawn to a photo frame. Caroline; Smiling into the face of a beautiful woman. Rose had guessed that Kate would be gorgeous if Flora was anything to go by, plus she couldn't really imagine Caroline with anyone who wasn't at least a little stunning. Hmmm, had she just ruled herself out of a potential relationship? No, she wasn't modest enough to ignore the fact that she was attractive, depending on personal taste. Kate on the other-hand was beyond attractive, it wasn't just that she was pretty, she was, more that she looked kind, her eyes were so warm and her smile so genuine. And Caroline beside her looked happier than Rose could imagine ever seeing her.

Rose shook herself away from the picture and hurried guiltily back to the kitchen, noticing the piano on her way back.

"Wow!" She exclaimed. "Do you play?"

Caroline frowned before she understood Rose's meaning. "Oh the piano! No, me?! No!"

Rose waited.

"It's Flora's. It belonged to her Mother. To Kate." Caroline shrugged, piling food onto plates and distracting herself.

"Oh! So Kate played?" Rose asked with interest.

"Yes. Very well. She played a number of instruments and she sang. She ran the school choir." Caroline informed proudly, finally looking up at Rose.

"Wow, she must have been very talented." Was all Rose could think to say.

"She was." Caroline agreed. "She played at Mum and Alan's wedding, The Entrance of The Queen of Sheba." Caroline announced a slight smirk.

Rose's brow rose. "Really?!" She asked as her mouth curled up into a grin.

"Yes." Caroline nodded her reply but her gaze had shifted away from Rose. She was taken back to that day. Watching Kate at the piano, longing for Kate to look her way but dreading seeing in her eyes what she thought she'd already known; that they were over. She had watched Kate all day, though she told herself she shouldn't. She had been so jealous of each and every person who had spoken to her, of Ted for sitting beside her, Harry for cracking a stupid joke that made her laugh, even Gillian who only shook her hand formally. She had wanted to be every single one of them.

"Are you alright?" Rose checked stepping closer.

Caroline shook her head and picked up the plates, stretching them out before her and keeping Rose at arm's length. "Yes. Could you get the drinks?"

Rose nodded quietly and picked up the small plastic cups full of juice, following Caroline outdoors.

Xxx

"Have a think about it. It'd be really nice if you could come."

"I'm not sure, we might be busy …" Caroline began.

"It's just a handful of friends, there'll be Marcy and Jane, they have two girls, adopted, they'll be … five and six now, sisters, they're adorable, the girls I mean; they'd love to play with Flora. Then Hayley will probably drop by, if she can fit us boring mums into her busy schedule, but she's lovely too and my sister will bring her little boy over, Rory. It'll be fun, and if it rains we can fit indoors and I'll BBQ under a brolly. I've had to do that on more than one occasion..." Rose enthused hopefully.

"I'll check the calendar." Caroline conceded, unsure as to whether she wanted to disappoint the woman or not. The prospect of the event didn't exactly thrill her, she was far too old to make new friends, at least more than one at a time.

Caroline moved back into the kitchen and took a quick look at the floral wall calendar, it was covered in scribbles and code, she was the only person who could possibly decipher it. She followed the numbers and lines with her finger. Hmmmm. She could always lie? But she was crap at that. Perhaps she could think of a legitimate excuse nearer the time.

"You might actually enjoy it." Kate's voice came from just behind her.

"I suppose it's possible." Caroline admitted reluctantly.

"Her friends sound nice." Kate went on.

"Probably sandal wearing vegans." Caroline mumbled.

"Caroline!" Kate sang. "You're terrible. You make that judgement based on the fact that they're lesbians?"

"They sound like that sort." Caroline defended.

"Oh, like you'd know a lot about any sort. How many lesbians do you even know?" Kate chuckled indulgently.

"Well, who made you Jimminy bloody cricket?!" Caroline shot.

"Caroline!?" Rose asked from just inside the door. "You okay?"

"Yes!" Caroline called, her face turning red. "Absolutely. It looks like we might be able to come after all."

"Really? That would be fantastic. I am sure you'll enjoy yourself, and the kids will love playing together." Rose seemed pleased.

"Do you want me to bring anything?" Caroline asked politely, already regretting her decision.

"Just yourself and this little beauty …." Rose said as Flora chased Simon inside and Rose spun around to shout boo! to them both. The children screamed in delight and turned to run outside again.

Xxx

"I can't believe the sun has actually come out for one of your barbies Rose!"

"It's unprecedented!" The other half of the couple Caroline had recently been introduced to chirped up.

"Yes it's lovely!" Caroline smiled as she perched on the hard edge of the stripey deckchair, not wanting to relax into the seat as one should, due to a very vivid memory of how difficult they could be to extricate yourself from once you got comfortable, particularly if you added afternoon sunshine and a couple of Pimms into the equation.

Rose had so far been a little preoccupied with getting the BBQ going and supplying various drinks and snacks, meaning that Caroline had been left in the company of her friends and a woman that Rose had introduced as her sister, who eyed Caroline carefully over the rim of her glass,

"Rose is the perfect hostess!" Marcy went on to tell Caroline. "We hardly ever have people over anymore, it just seems like too much effort, we leave it to Rose, she always knows just when is the right time for us all to get together."

"You've been friends a long time?" Caroline asked.

"Oh years!" Jane told her. "I met Rose just after Uni, we met when we were working on a helpline for Women's Aid. We were friends right away." She beamed fondly.

"Then when Rose got together with Anna, she introduced Jane and I and that was that." Marcy seamlessly finished the tale her wife had begun.

Caroline nodded, taking the information in. So Marcy had been Anna's friend? Caroline wondered if she was still in touch with Rose's ex. That was the difficulty when a long term relationship ends. It all gets so messy, not just houses and possessions to divide but friends, even relations. Caroline knew that John really missed his relationship with Celia. They had long had a love- hate dynamic and with his having little contact with his own mother in many years, he had often looked to Celia for some motherly influence. They had lived side by side for decades and now she was _almost _completely out of his life.

"So Caroline you're a head mistress?" Rose's sister took her turn to initiate conversation.

Caroline nodded. "Head teacher, we don't really use the term mistress anymore."

"Shame." Jane mumbled, quickly receiving a swift elbow from her spouse.

"And it's a private school?" Nat asked keenly.

Nat was the younger of the siblings and Caroline couldn't see much of a family resemblance, yet there was something similar in their voice and way of speaking.

"Independent. Yes." Caroline agreed.

Nat nodded. "It must be a very good school."

"We do our best." Caroline replied modestly.

"Your boys went there didn't they?" Nat continued.

And Caroline wondered both, why was she asking questions that she clearly already had the answers to and exactly how much Rose had discussed Caroline with her sister?

"They did. William is at Oxford now, he's almost finished his course." Caroline smiled, she could talk about the boys with any one who'd listen.

"You must be so proud." Nat offered almost dreamily.

"Lucky he was academic." Jane commented at almost the same time. "A school like that must be difficult for a child who isn't."

"We have excellent art programs, sports and extra curricular activities that children can access." Caroline informed. "There's something for everyone."

"Yes. But with parents paying a fair whack to send their kids to school, they aren't exactly expecting an F in maths are they?" Jane scoffed.

"We support all our children to achieve the grades that will help them secure the jobs and careers that they aspire to." Caroline assured simply. "There is extra support for those who are struggling."

Nat was nodding again, hanging on Caroline's every word.

Jane looked more sceptical, sucking in a breath and leaning back in her seat.

"What about your other boy?" Marcy asked now.

"Lawrence? He was less academic." Caroline admitted honestly. "But he applied himself and got the grades he wanted. He did his A levels and now he is working for his friend's Dad in an engineering business. I'm sure he will work his way up the ranks and be just as successful as William."

"It's natural to want to give your children every advantage in life." Rose jumped in from over at the Barbeque where she had been listening quietly.

"You wouldn't send Simon though would you Rosie?" Jane tossed in.

"Probably not… no." Rose agreed turning her attention back to the smokey rows of meat, happily prodding sausages with her tongs.

Caroline narrowed her eyes as she considered the woman busying herself at the Barbie.

"You wouldn't consider it?" Caroline pushed.

Rose's head shot up to find Caroline's eyes fixed on her and for the first time today she looked a little awkward.

" I….I could never afford it!" Rose blurted with a slight blush.

Caroline caught Jane's movement in the corner of her eye but continued to study Rose.

"What if you could?" Caroline asked. "If money wasn't an issue?"

Rose looked over at Caroline again uncertainly. "I don't think I would. No." She replied finally.

Caroline's brows drew together in a small sharp frown but she didn't speak immediately.

"You're against independent schools?" She checked. The rest of the party had fallen silent.

"Yes. In principal. I can understand, as I say, why parents choose to send their children to them but it's not something I would ever consider." Rose admitted. "I feel that education should be free and of equal standard for all."

"But they're not." Caroline argued. "That's all well and good in an ideal world but a lot of government funded schools are failing. If you live in an area with a couple of poorly performing schools should you have to put up with a substandard education, surely _that_ isn't fair?"

"Independent schools and other elite forms of education just add to that disparity….." Rose hit back.

"Or they can benefit the community." Caroline suggested. "Sulgrave Heath has strong links with the state schools that are nearby. The sports facilities, library, media studio, can all be accessed by pupils from neighbouring schools. We also work together on community projects, national competitions. We have sixth form courses that can be accessed via scholarship."

"I am sure that's the case, but you're just talking about one school, until we get rid of the system whereby education is a commodity that can be bought and sold we can never have a truly fair society, we can't close the class divide or make social mobility a real prospect." Rose shrugged, as if she hadn't spent a long time thinking and discussing this before, yet Caroline got the impression that her ideas were very set.

Caroline watched Rose with a new interest, she wondered fleetingly what it would take or if anything could change her mind and had to admit that the challenge excited her for a moment. She wouldn't argue the case now and was thankful when Marcy pushed back her wooden chair and stood, addressing Caroline as she did so.

"I think we could do with some music!" She announced. "Caroline have you seen Rose's record collection?"

Caroline shook her head. "No, I haven't." She replied, already getting out of her chair to follow Marcy.

"It is epic! Her life's work. Whatever kind of music you enjoy, she'll have something to suit." Marcy assured confidently, leading Caroline indoors.

Marcy took Caroline through the spotless kitchen which was not dissimilar to her own, modern, practical, stylish, with a little more colour than her version… but still, and then the shorter woman before her opened the door into a completely different style of room. Wooden floors were covered in most part by a rich red Persian style rug and a small sofa that was littered with cushions was surrounded by shelves. One side of the room held floor to ceiling books and the opposite was covered with longer shelves holding trays, each one displaying the thin spines of dozens of records. Caroline didn't think she had ever seen so many all together like this.

"Wow, you weren't kidding!" Caroline exclaimed. "That is some collection!"

Marcy grinned a little proudly. "Yep. It is awesome and I have contributed to it myself over the years." She pointed out.

Caroline stepped closer and began flipping through one of the trays, recognising a few of the names of artists or groups but seeing many for the first time and looking mostly at the variety of colours, pictures, designs and dated photographs. She moved onto the next tray and continued to browse.

"Are these…? They're in alphabetical order." Caroline remarked in astonishment. This collection displayed some true dedication, something she could admire even if it was not a passion she shared.

"Every one." Marcy confirmed. "Well, with a collection this size how would you ever find the one you want? You know… if you got an urge to play a song or listen to a particular album." Marcy pointed out approvingly.

"I suppose so." Caroline agreed.

"So is there anything you fancy? Who would you like to hear?" Marcy asked eagerly.

Caroline felt suddenly as if she was about to fail a very important test, one she had not been prepared for and she cringed helplessly. "I'll just keep looking." She said.

Marcy nodded as Caroline walked a little way down the rows and began flicking at the E section. Elton, Ella, Electric Light Orchestra… It was certainly eclectic.

Marcy flipped more purposefully through the tray next to Caroline and pulled one sleeve from its place. Frankie Lymon &amp; The Teenagers.

"This was my mum's! It's still fabulous! We'll start with this." She moved to the player and slipped the shiny black disc reverently from it's battered cardboard home.

As the first crackly notes of "Why do fools fall in love" began to pour into the room, Marcy moved to the window which opened out into the back garden and pushed it wide.

Caroline heard a groan from one corner of the garden and guessed that not everyone approved of her Marcy's choice.

"Hmm." Marcy muttered. "Some people would like to listen to nothing but glam rock, day in - day out."

Caroline smiled sympathetically. She hadn't heard the song in many years and yet it was one of those that everybody knew and could sing along to. She went back to scanning covers and had found a couple of albums she would like to hear again but now her fingers ran along the worn edge of a sleeve and halted with a feeling of recognition. She checked the artist. Roberta Flack. A trickle of dread seeped from her heart into her veins and she was all at once, seized by it.

She recognized the cover as she had the CD version. She had packed it away into a box two years ago. Kate had given it to her for Valentine's, the night that Caroline had proposed. She'd explained that it had the track that had played at Celia and Alan's Wedding. The night Kate had come back for her. Caroline had played it in the car anytime she was alone, it always brought back the feelings of that night. Of looking up to find Kate had returned, to knowing even before Kate spoke, that her appearance meant that there was hope after all, just when she'd thought there was none.

"Will you still love me…?" Kate had asked.

Marcy must have said her name, at least she was aware of a voice and then a hand reaching out for her shoulder.

"Are you alright?" Marcy asked now.

Caroline jerked instinctively away from the contact and stared vacantly at the new acquaintance before remembering where she was.

"Caroline? You alright?" Marcy repeated.

"Ahm, yes, of course. Just a sudden… headache… could be the start of a migraine… I think… perhaps, I should go…" Caroline had a hand to her head, it actually did feel warm under her touch and she blew a breath out over her face to cool the heat as she began to back quickly out of the room, bumping her shoulder into the door frame in her haste.

"Are you sure? We can keep an eye on Flora if you want to go for a little lie down? I can get you some pain killers? It might pass…" Marcy tried looking concerned.

Caroline was shaking her head as she stumbled back into the garden and her eyes searched for her daughter.

"Flora!" She called. "Come here sweetheart." She called as she walked in the direction of the girls.

"Come on darling." Caroline said as she bent beside the child who was paying her no attention what-so-ever.

Flora was wearing a daisy chain around her head and was busy mashing a small saucer full of various other petals and leaves into some water while the older girls supervised her handy-work.

"She's making perfume." The younger of the other two girls offered, the elder eyeing Caroline more suspiciously

"That's very nice. Thank you for looking after her, girls, but we have to go home now, Flora." Caroline explained.

Marcy must have taken the chance to quickly explain the situation to Rose, for a moment later when Caroline scooped up her daughter and attempted to carry her back to the house, while the little girl put her efforts into making herself as limp and heavy as possible, Rose left the BBQ and moved into Caroline's path.

"Everything okay?" She asked.

Caroline felt ridiculous as she faced this woman, but she felt determined that she had to leave and leave quickly.

"Sorry." She began, struggling with Flora and readjusting the infant, sitting her on her hip. "I'm not feeling too clever, I've got a banging headache, I'm sure it's a migraine, last one lasted two days and I was sick as a dog…"

Rose wore a heavy frown and looked quickly at the ground. "You haven't eaten anything yet, the foods almost ready…"

"I know… I'm sure it's going to be great, I just, I couldn't eat a thing…" Caroline shrugged. Holding Flora like a shield between them.

"You could leave Flora here if you like? I could bring her home in a couple of hours? Give you a chance to sleep it off."

"That's very kind but…" Caroline struggled to think of a reason to refuse the offer. "I just want to get her home, I'd feel better if she were with me…" It sounded pathetic even to her own ears, but she held Flora a little tighter.

Rose looked seriously at Caroline and then nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll walk you out." She agreed.

Caroline waved a hand and an apologetic smile in the direction of the watching women as she passed the garden table, picking her handbag off the back of the chair and avoiding the three sets of eyes that watched her curiously.

"Sorry. It was nice to meet you all." She said weakly as she hurried inside.

At the front door Rose stopped and sighed. "What happened?" She asked wearily. "Was it something somebody said? They don't mean any harm really, they're lovely if you give them a chance… honestly…"

Caroline shook her head vigorously. "It's not them really, I just have to go… I can't…" Caroline's voice cracked and she put her hand to the door.

Rose leant across her and unbolted the door. "Okay." She said. "I hope you feel better…" She began.

Caroline felt her throat tighten and knew she was about to cry, she swallowed it down for a moment and pushed herself through the door, catching a glance of Rose's bewildered face as she left. Caroline froze on the doorstep, but didn't turn back.

"It was… just… a memory." She said aloud. "Just the records, I saw one and I had a memory and I had to get away… I'm sorry."

Caroline adjusted Flora again and moved them both down the steps and over to the car.

If Rose spoke Caroline didn't hear her but she could see from the corner of her eye, the figure of her in the doorway as she drove away. Caroline still fought against the tears in an effort both to drive and not to upset Flora any further but a few silent streams broke free and soaked her face before she arrived back at Conway Drive.

Xxx


	4. Chapter 4

Ever Present 4

"Was it you?" Caroline whispered as she reached a fingertip from beneath the blanket she had wrapped herself into, gingerly holding the digit a millimetre away from where she saw Kate's jaw line. If she moved any closer would the bubble burst?

"What? The record?" Kate asked in surprise. "No." Kate looked from Caroline to the ceiling. "She had a rather large collection, even you were bound to recognise some of them…" She teased.

Caroline narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "It could have been you…can you do that kind of thing? Your spirit?"

"Why would I? Haven't I been encouraging you?" Kate reasoned.

Caroline thought about this quietly, how to explain, whether she should… "Well, the you that I see, the one I'm talking to now, yes…"

Kate looked doubtful as she waited for Caroline to continue.

"But you're surely just a figment, which _**I**_ am creating? If there _is_ another you… _**if**_ people go on… a spirit… maybe the real Kate… the spirit, maybe she isn't happy? Maybe she's jealous…"

Kate stared at her, her eyes large and unblinking until she sighed and shrugged. "I don't know what you're on about, I'm just a figment… far too complicated…"

Caroline glared at her a moment and wrapped the blanket more tightly around herself.

XXXX

"Hi…"

"Hello?" Caroline asked sharply, expecting an emergency at the sound of the phone this late at night..

"Hi, sorry, hello, it's um Rose…"

"Rose." Caroline repeated, feeling her stomach lurch a little. Caroline had given Rose her number weeks ago, she had never used it before.

"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have called, I was just having a drink and… I saw you today…" Rose informed.

Caroline cringed, she had known she should have approached Rose at playgroup today but she felt so ridiculous after their last encounter, embarrassed.

"I saw you too." Caroline replied after a moment. "Sorry I didn't come over…"

"That's alright, you don't have to, I'm not the playgroup police…" Rose slurred slightly, attempting to sound light hearted.

"No but, I should have said hello. I just… felt a little foolish…" Caroline admitted. "After the BBQ… rushing off like that."

"Foolish is not a word I would equate with you Caroline…" Rose protested.

"You really don't know me that well…" It had meant to be self deprecating but she was now worried about the truth in the statement and the silence on the other end of the line.

"I know you said… explained… why you ran out. Is that? Was that… really it? It wasn't anything to do with me? Or my friends? We can be a little… full on…"

"It wasn't that." Caroline assured.

"Do you mind me asking…? What was the song…?" Rose enquired quietly.

Caroline inhaled sharply. "It was Roberta Flack. Will you still love me tomorrow?"

"Oooh. Good song." Rose commented automatically.

"Yes. It was a very good song, at a good time." Caroline agreed.

"I'm sorry for prying, I do that." Rose confessed simply.

A sigh. "It's alright. I just don't talk about it much." Caroline explained. "I mean I talk about Kate, to Flora and her mother and other people that knew her. I just tend not to talk about Kate and me, our relationship. I suppose people know not to ask."

"I wouldn't mind, if you ever wanted to talk about it." Rose offered.

Would that be weird? Caroline wondered. They were friends after all. "The song…" Caroline decided. "It was the first time I'd ever danced with a woman." A small offering, not quite the revelation that Rose may have been hoping to uncover, but a small disclosure, a step towards trust.

"Wow." Rose remarked quietly.

Caroline felt a tear in the corner of her eye and swallowed away the pain with a mouthful of Rjoca. It had been so much more than that but how would she ever explain that? Only Kate understood that.

"Are you taking Simon to Peggy's birthday party on Saturday?" Caroline asked suddenly, clearing her throat.

"Of course! It's the three year olds' social occasion of the year! Not to be missed." Rose joked.

"Then, I'll see you there." Caroline promised.

"Okay." Rose agreed, smiling into the phone. "I'll see you there. Goodnight Caroline."

"Goodnight Rose." Caroline replied.

XXX

Caroline pushed the heavy glass door as the entrance buzzer sounded and Flora rushed through the gap eagerly, only hesitating as she came up against the imposing sight of the high reception desk.

A young uniformed woman that Caroline didn't recognise stood smiling on the other side. She must be new. It had been a while since their last visit.

Caroline picked up the pen and began to scribble her name in the signing in book, keeping one eye on Flora who had now began to drift slowly toward the shiny metal door of the lift, a finger already poised.

"Flora! Not that way sweetheart." Caroline called.

Another nurse appeared at this moment and grinned first at the tot and then at Caroline. "Hello you two!" She greeted. "Well Mr McKenzie is in for a treat today!"

"Hi Vera." Caroline replied as she remembered the carer fondly. "You Okay?"

"I am always Okay." The woman dismissed, coming around the desk to get a closer look at Flora. "My haven't you grown young lady!" She exclaimed, bending low to address the girl directly.

Flora stared at the woman silently, holding her bear tightly in front of her chest.

"Shall I take you to see your Grandaddy?" She asked, holding a hand out to the child.

Flora nodded several times but did not take the proffered hand.

"Come on then!" Vera said, leading the way down the long corridor. "Let's go and see what we can see."

Caroline followed the pair and watched as Vera knocked on the familiar door.

"Veronica's here to see him, she'll be very happy to see you both too." Vera assured as she opened the door and breezed in.

"Well, Mr McKenzie, what a birthday treat we have in store today!" She called. Vera bustled in, making her way to the bed, automatically scanning the still gentleman lying propped up in the bed, putting a quick back of her hand gently to his face to see how warm he was, a hand to his wrist in what Caroline thought was a comforting gesture.

The woman, who sat by the bed, rose as Caroline nodded for Flora to enter the room and came to greet them, Kate's aunt Veronica, they had met many times since Kate's death though never when she was alive.

"Caroline, my dear. I'm so happy that you came." Veronica gushed, wrapping her arms around Caroline's slightly stiff figure.

"Of course." Caroline mumbled into a shoulder.

"And this Angel! Come and say hello to your Auntie Ronnie!" The older woman called as she crouched as low as she could and held her arms wide for a hesitant Flora.

Whatever assessment Flora was making, it would appear that Ronnie had passed and the little girl bounced into her arms for a moment of cuddle.

"Ahhhhh, you are so lovely!" Ronnie told her as the embrace broke and she struggled up from her position, a hand reaching out to the bed for support.

"Would you be able to come and show Grandpa how lovely you are? It's his very special day today, it's his birthday and I am sure he would love it!"

Caroline was less sure. The man in the bed had not moved or given any sign of recognition since they entered and did not seem to be watching the exchange, instead staring past them as if he saw something no one else could see.

He had been like this for some time now, slowly he was getting worse, when Caroline had first met him, he had had the odd good day. The day where he had called Kate his ex wife's name and reached a hand out to her, or the day he had seemed to laugh at a silly story that Kate had been telling him. But more often than not, he just wasn't there.

Vera had quickly, without fuss, extricated herself from the room and left the family to their privacy, touching a hand to Caroline's arm and quickly offering her a smile as she did so.

Flora had ignored Ronnie's request and had shrugged off her pink back pack and was tugging at the zip, whilst trying to pull at the contents. Caroline moved to her daughter and swept her up, bag and all, settling her on the wide bed within reaching distance of the occupant. She stood at the edge of the bed and Flora continued to fiddle with the back pack, managing to free a Barbie doll wearing a crushed ball gown and one shoe.

Ronnie stood gazing at her brother and Caroline followed her eyes to his face which had turned to the sound of the small noises that Flora made to herself as she moved the doll to sit beside her on the bed.

The blank features had suddenly come alive, the eyes focusing on the sight of the child before him, the flat line of his mouth curving to a sweet smile. All at once it was like switching him on, giving his engine a jump start. He slowly reached a wrinkled hand toward an oblivious Flora who had managed to get some kind of purple furry racoon creature from her bag.

He made a sound in his throat, perhaps trying to speak and finally his fingers found her coat and brushed against her hood, trying to reach the tight curls that hung there. He tried again, more successfully and his smile grew as he touched a curl.

Flora noticed him now and looked him in the eye before looking back to Caroline for assurance.

"This Grandpa?" She checked.

Caroline nodded as she noticed Ronnie with a hand covering her mouth and tears in her eyes standing at the foot of the bed.

"It's okay sweetheart." Caroline assured. "This is your Mama's Daddy. You can say hello, he'd like that."

Flora studied the old man's face thoughtfully as he reached his hand to gently stroke her head, which fit neatly into his large palm.

He tried to speak again; a croaky sound emerged before finally he managed. "Kate."

Caroline felt her own eyes filling and wrapped her arms around herself.

Flora recognised the name and smiled. "Yes my Mama was Kate!" She told the man importantly, holding her dolly out to him in a gesture of friendship.

If only. And as Caroline had the thought she saw Kate sitting in the chair on the opposite side of the bed. If only she had been here to see this, just once.

"Look at him!" Kate said excitedly. "He sees her!"

Caroline nodded. _He sees you_. She thought. He was haunted by his own ghosts.

The man took the doll and stared strangely as he turned it over in his hand, as if he had never seen such a thing before, he let it go and once again returned his hand to Flora, placing a hand on her arm.

"You want bear?" Flora asked seriously as she noticed her earlier offering had been discarded.

Peter again took the offered gift and examined it intently, this time holding it between both hands and seeming to really feel the texture.

Kate was leaning forward in her seat, elbows on her pushed together knees, staring at her father.

"She likes you Dad, she wouldn't offer him to just anybody." Kate commented, her voice thick with emotion. "She's your granddaughter." Kate told him. "She's finally here. I knew you'd like to meet her."

Of course he didn't hear the words and he may not have even if Kate had really been here, but he smiled a peaceful smile and sat with his eyes on Flora as she played contently with her toys. His eyes even followed her as she finally got bored of her own things and crawled across the bed to where a large vase of colourful fresh flowers stood, her intent clearly to pull them into her own grasp. Caroline rushed around the bed in the nick of time and as she did so, Kate disappeared.

"No, no, no Flora. Do not tip the flowers; you'll get Grandpa's bed all wet." Caroline informed.

Xxx

Caroline said goodbye to Ronnie and promised to visit her at home in a couple of weeks so she could spend a little more time with her Grand niece.

"Thank you so much for bringing Flora. Kate … would have… she would have loved it." Ronnie had added as they parted ways.

Caroline nodded and turned away, fussing with Flora's jacket and leading the little girl in the direction of the jeep.

As they drove away, Flora waved happily from the window and Caroline took a breath that released a host of emotion, feeling it rattle its way up, like an old cart on the big dipper and pause before rushing away along the well worn track.

She realised quickly that she wasn't ready to drive home, to go into the house and stay there for the rest of the day playing the morning over and over in her mind, the look on Kate's face as she watched her father with Flora. It amazed Caroline in how real it felt every single time she saw her like this.

Caroline glanced in the rear view mirror; Flora was alert, not flagging yet. She made her decision and pushed at a button on the small panel that connected to the hands free phone. She had made her choice before she gave herself time to question it, to question herself.

"Rose, hi. It's Caroline, Flora's mum."

"Caroline! Hi! It's good to hear from you!" Rose admitted quickly, a little surprise in her voice.

"Yes, yes. I was just … calling. I don't know what you and Simon are up to today and you're probably busy…" She rambled.

"No!" Rose jumped in. A breath and she tried to sound less eager. "Actually, we just went to our usual Thursday morning playgroup only to find that the centre was flooded last night in the storm and they're shut. Simon was really disappointed. I was just wracking my brain for somewhere else to take him…"

"Oh! I suppose that your bad luck is my good fortune then… if you don't mind a bit of company. We could meet at the garden centre, do you know it? Brookes? There is a lovely café and a bit of a play area beside it."

"Yes, I know where you mean. We'd love to!" Rose agreed. "When?"

"We'll set off now. 20 minutes?" Caroline asked happily.

"Great, see you soon." Rose agreed.

Xxx

A/N- Thank you to everyone still reading, I know this is slow and painful at the moment. I am planning to move things along more in the next chapter. Thanks as always to Shallotpeel xx


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